I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
