We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
