it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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