I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
