went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
