i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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