me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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