I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
