Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
