My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
