Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
