Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Still dying that you shit outside
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
