She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
