i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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