I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
