she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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