first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
