so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
