if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
