What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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