I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
