oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
