put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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