you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
