i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
