This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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