god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
check it out our google latitudes are spooning
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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