I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Hippo gnu deer
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
