Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
