just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
