so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
