You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Randomize
