When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
i think my cat just said my name.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
