My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Boobs speak an international language.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Randomize
