maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
