i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
