8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Dear god my vagina.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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