i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Randomize
