Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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