I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
