Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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