yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
