She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
