i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize