Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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