she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
