Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
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