I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Just pee around me
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
