so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
