cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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