i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
