good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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