I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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