We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
