sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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