Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
