You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
