From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize