I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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